Two heads and two hearts

Akapat sat by the fire and watched the flame consume the night. He felt cold and homesick. He felt lonely and angry. The events of the day had overwhelmed him. He was torn by the brutal realities of survival that surrounded him.

He missed his mother. He badly did. Everyday. And, at the same time he has leant to accept that nothing can be done about it. Every morning he woke up with a forlorn emptiness and slept every night with a disconsolate aftertaste. But the love that tore him apart also gave him strength. The separation from his mother also gave him the courage to explore the unexplored. What worse can befall on me, he often told tiger. My mother was my whole world.

He dreamt of her too. More often then not. Once he saw her, at the door of their house, waiting for him to return back. The other time he saw her at the dusadhya pass. She was calling him home. The other night he saw he was a baby with wide eyes. He was smiling at his mother who was singing a lullaby for him. Once he saw them together, her, Smriti, Kartavya and the tiger. He heard all of them talk about him. While the three of them seemed worried and apprehensive, it was Smirit, who sounded confident about him. He will reach the circus and come back, she told his mother. His mother hugged her and then in a flash she also turned into a skeleton like Smriti. When he woke up, he felt driven by the passion to complete his journey at the earliest.

Why don’t you sleep cub, the tiger asked him.

Don’t you miss your mother tiger, he asked in a somber voice.

Well, the tiger spoke with his head still on his paws. I don’t even remember her. There was an absolute calmness in his voice. But knowing that there would be one, i do miss not knowing her.

And the circus i grew up in, i hardly miss that. Yes i got my meals in time, was always served good things to eat, but then a jail is a jail.

There must be something good about the Circus, the snake asked, popping his head form the bag.

You actually belong to that place Snake, the tiger said. Humans would have payed a lot of money to see you. Yes, there were many good things. The deer and the lion drank the same water, ate in the same complex. The birds were friends with cats and cats were friend with dogs. It was utopia indeed. Utopia where everything was perfect and perfectly in deviation to the laws of nature.

But you miss it sometimes, don’t you? Akapat asked.

Yes I do cub. I miss my handler. She was an angel and she always took care to me. She was, what you can say, closest to being a mother to me. She raised me from a cub to the age when I was seasons older.

Akapat felt an uneasy softness in his voice. He stood up and sat next to him with his hand on his shoulders.

What happened to her. The snake asked in unison.

One day she left and never came back. The tiger replied. Some said that she was gone for better, married and settled somewhere. Some said she died in an accident. But I am not really sure about what happened to her.

You miss her, don’t you tiger, Akapat said.

Yes i do, the tiger said without changing his demeanor. Sometimes when i am too worked out with the vagaries of life, i think of her. I derive strength from that. It is so inspiring to feel her presence around me. I feel wanted and i feel cared even if it is in my imagination. I guess that is enough to tide over any gloom.

You are right Tiger, Akapat said. Whenever i miss my mother, i end up being stronger. It is strange isn’t that she continues to inspire me across the time and beyond the distance.

You carry her within you, boy, the snake spoke in unison. You are made up of her and molded in her reflection. She is the life that flows in you. So distances don’t matter and time is immaterial.

Seriously snake! The tiger said with implied bewilderment. Sometimes you stun me with your wisdom. I wonder how much depth do you carry in those two little heads of yours.

Well this is not what i carry in my head Tiger, both heads spoke in unison, this we carry in our heart, which is one.

I guess it is easier to deal with two heads than dealing with two hearts, the Tiger said.

I wonder if someone can have two hearts. Akapat said, looking at the snake.

Well in circus there are many animals who do have two hearts. They can love you and hate you at the same time. The tiger said with a strand of nostalgia in his voice.

How does that manifest, the snake was curious.

We had a ringmaster in the circus. The old man loved all animals boundlessly. But if an animal fall sick beyond recovery or become impaired, he had no option but to put it silent. He would cry, yet he will administer the injection by his own hand, while patting and loving the animal. He would then not eat for many days. Suffer the loss of the animal he had to kill to save it from agony of life.

That is so gross, the snake said.

It seems so. But think of it. You love someone so much that you have to take the decision to kill that one so that you can save that one from the suffering his life will bring. The tiger spoke admiringly. But the two hearts, one that loves selfishly wants to preserve that person for ever, and the other that selflessly wants what is best for the other person. Add to it the vexation of administering the death blow by own hand..

It’s something similar to when my mom used to thrash me for being unreasonable and then crying silently, Akapat said.

Similar, but not the same, the snake said in unison. Ask me to bite someone i love, i will die of ignominy.

Strange is this word love, the Tiger said putting his head on his paws again. Its meanings are so kaleidoscopic. They change every time you change your perspective. Sometimes it is owning and sometimes it is loosing. It splits your head and splits your heart .

Yes, the snake said in unison. Though i have no experience, I think the tiger is right . I have seen birds pushing their nestlings from the nest so they can fly. I have seen the same bird patents flying endlessly to feed these same kids. It’s conflicting and confusing at the same time.

But true love never holds you back, Akapat said. My mom let me chase my dreams. The same way tiger never stopped her handler. It is guess about giving, even if you have to give the best part of you.

You are learning too fast my boy, the tiger said. And now I want to nap for a while please.

Akapat watched the flickering flames again as everything slowly went quiet.…